Intellectual riddle

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through. At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting "oral pleasure" from an 85 year old toothless woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing What are they both thinking?











Don't look down. Don't look down.

Tescos

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her Two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?
"The woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter,
"I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice"!

The toilet

Last Night I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?" I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied
"Yeah, not too bad thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again
"So, what are you up to mate?"
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, I replied
"Umm, just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?"
I then heard the voice for the third time ..... "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d!ck head in the loo next to me answering everything I say."

Hollywood humour

This good looking man walks into an agents office in Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway.... He had all the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis Van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are gonna have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!"
The agent said "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years..... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian !! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it!! I guess, we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.....
The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck ....Who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed.... ..
Dear Sir:
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood . You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice. Sincerely,

Dick Van Dyke

PARROT

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only £20." "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks. "Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity". "Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F*ck me, a new brothel and a new madam". "I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "Un-f*cking-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet. A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home. "In f*cking-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients ..... Alright Dave?!?"

STUCK IN THE ELEVATOR.........

Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation. The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know... ''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.'' The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... ''Double Income, No Kids Yet. " The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... ''Rich, Urban, Biker. " The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know... ''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.'' They turn to the woman and ask her. "What are you?'' She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, F***, Etc.

NEW WORDS FOR THE DICTONARY

* SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING. Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a Project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
* GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
* 404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message board "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* OH - NO SECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
* GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
* MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
* BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am.
* BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
* BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
* TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's Got 4 buttocks.

BREAK IN

man escapes from a prison where he's been locked upfor 15 years. Hebreaks into a house to look for money and guns.Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders theguy out of bedand ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner'swife to the bed,the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, thengets up and goesinto the bathroom.While he's in there, the husband whispers over to hiswife: "Listen,this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!He's probablyspent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a womanin years. I saw howhe kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter howmuch he nauseatesyou. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he getsangry, he'll killus both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He waswhispering in myear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, andasked if we hadany Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Bestrong honey. I loveyou, too!!

A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out the window and gave the woman the finger. " Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Give her the finger? I don't think so.

BIRD TALK

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . in no time." Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, Pete the parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

OOOPS


Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg, "Hello?" "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says,"But honey,you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,Right now." Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay, Daddy, Just a minute." A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy." "And what happened, honey?" He asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and Ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser And now she Isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed With no clothes on, too. He was all scared And he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it He hit The bottom of the pool And I think he's dead." ***Long Pause* ***Longer Pause*** ***Even Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? ............Is this 486-5731?" No, I think you have the wrong number......

Husband and wife


One day Port of Spain was flooded out due to heavy rainfall. "South people" got to leave work early. A young man egarly rushed home to be with his equally youthful wife. As he pulled up on his driveway, he braved the thunderous rain and darted into his house. To his dismay, his wife's "horner-man" ran outside to get away. The young husband walked up to his wife and "buss two slap in she ass." Crying "bucket-ah-drop" she said, "Why yuh slap meh for?" She continued... "Dat is d man who buy dem shoes on yuh foot. Dat is d man who doz help me pay d bills. Dat is d man who pay down on d car u drivin." Totally enraged the husband replied, "Dat is exactly why ah friggin slap yuh... yuh go hav d man runnin in d rain?"

It looks like someone at the Sheffield town planning office has a sense of humour... The address for the South Yorkshire Police Operations Unit is:- Operations Complex Europa Link Sheffield S9 1XX Put the post code into www.streetmap.co.uk or www.multimap.com and have a look at the name of the road it backs onto :-)

An Italian, a German and an Australian Soccer fan were arrested

An Italian, a German and an Australian Soccer fan were arrested in a small Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious building after an all-night drinking binge. The trio face up to the local sultan and are dished out the typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the whip to the back. But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted them two wishes each - the only condition was that they were not allowed to reduce the number of lashes or change the type of punishment. The Italian says, "Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want the pleasure of a beer beforehand and a pillow tied to my back." The Sultan grants his wishes. With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back. The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before smiling. "I would like to have TWO pillows tied to my back". The Sultan thinks about the uniqueness of the wish and decides to grant it given he has used up his two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the whip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully endure the remaining 5 lashes which also leave deep welt marks on his back. The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under his breath about a bullsh|t penalty. "Ok my first wish is to DOUBLE the number of lashes to 40." There is stunned silence in the hall. The Italian, German and Sultan are a little surprised at the first wish but then remember the strong fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup. The Italian and German look at each other and nod in admiration, obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is. The Sultan asks the Aussie for his second wish. "Tie the Italian to my back!" he replies.



13 Things PMS Stands For:

1 Pass My Shotgun
2 Psychotic Mood Shift
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5 People Make me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff and my favorite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! ...Or men who need a warning. And remember: Money talks .... but Chocolate SINGS!!!


Betting

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived in Reno and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude". With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.