Rent for apartment
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment " RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
"Dear Madam: Enclosed find cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large." Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note :
Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."

Onions and Christmas trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions". "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas tree". "A Christma s tree?" "Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

DIE-VORCE!!!
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, The wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."
Moral of the Story : Women are clever!!!
Don't mess with them!!