WOT DA RASSSSSS
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists - an American man, an English man and a Jamaican man. For the final test, the CIA agents took the American to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.' The American said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent replies, 'Then you are not the right man for this job.' The English man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the English man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried man, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent replies, 'You do not have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.' Finally, it was the Jamaican's turn. He took the gun and went into the room. As soon as the door was closed shots were heard, one shot after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Jamaican. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, 'Oonu nevah tell mi di bloodclaat gun was loaded wid blanks...mi did haffi beat har pussyclaat to death wid di rassclaat chair!'God bless
HI Everyone,
Three things in life that, once gone, never come back -
Time
Words
Opportunity
Three things in life that may never be lost -
Peace
Hope
Honesty
Three things in life that are most valuable -
Love
Self-confidence
Friends
Three things in life that are never certain -
Dreams
Success
Fortune
Three things that make a man/woman -
Hard work
Sincerity
Commitment
Three things in life that can destroy a man/woman -
Alcohol
Pride
Anger
Three things that are truly constant -
Father
Son
Holy Ghost
I ask the Lord to bless you, as I pray for you today;!
To guide you and protect you, as you go along your way.
His love is always with you, His promises are true.
And when you give Him all your cares, you know He'll see you through.
The Nun and the cab driver
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you" She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says,"Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."womans issues
Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women Pregnancy Q &A &more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space". 8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day.. WE ALL NEED A SMILE