DIS WILL MEK U LAUGH!!!
Why I fired my Secretary.LAST CHILD SUPPORT CHEQUE!!
Salary rise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:The wedding
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. One day 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test... We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car...Flat belly
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it." "Your wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond economic repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Sharon-Tracy Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom, crying! My youngest two, Chardonnay-Mercedes and Chardonnay-Mercedes slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." A reporter enquired if the other 2 children were also called Chardonnay-Mercedes, on learning the news that this was the case, the mother explained that she used the children's surnames when calling them to avoid confusion. Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Pound-land. HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots Any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.It's a Jamaican thing
Leroy from Port Antonio always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit. Leroy saved up all his pay slips and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Red Stripe and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit. Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by "See meh new trainers dem? Cool, eh?" One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Leroy aware that he had a lace undone? Leroy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the bottom of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied. When asked for proof of this instruction, Leroy took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read. "There y'are! It clearly says .... It's a Jamaican thing Leroy from Port Antonio always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit. Leroy saved up all his pay slips and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Red Stripe and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit. Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by "See meh new trainers dem? Cool, eh?" One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Leroy aware that he had a lace undone? Leroy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the bottom of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied. When asked for proof of this instruction, Leroy took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read. "There y'are! It clearly says ....