My Dog Named Sex
Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex.
Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to
renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license
for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too" then I said "but this is
a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "but you
don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that
I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I
told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate
room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said "you
don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night" and the clerk replied
"me too".
I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog
ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking
around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me
that I could have sold tickets for that "but you don't understand, I
hope to have Sex on T.V." He called me a Show off.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married". The judge
said "me too". Then I told him that after we were married sex left me.
He replied "me too".
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around for him. A
cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the
alley at 4 am for?" I replied "I am looking for Sex".
My case comes up in court on Friday.
OFFEND EVERYONE!
CAR JOKE
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling: "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back,shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign!You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: (wait for it)... (Get your best Chinese accent ready)................................."You not Nissan Main Deala?"SISTERS
A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter. "Don't forget your Sisters," she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. "They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them. "Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women... your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too "You'll need other women. Women always do." 'What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought 'Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!' But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact with her Sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, Sisters are the mainstays of her life. After more than 50 years of living in this world here is what I've learned: THIS SAYS IT ALL: Time passes. Life happens. Distance separates. Children grow up. Jobs come and go. Love waxes and wanes. Men don't do what they're supposed to do. Hearts break. Parents die. Colleagues forget favors. Careers end. BUT......... Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...... Or come in and carry you out. Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life! The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day, we need each other still.